I used to hate exercise. Now I can't survive without it.

I used to view exercise as something I had to do, not something I wanted to do. I very rarely looked forward to a PE lesson and was glad to no longer have to do it once I reached sixth form.

I viewed the gym as a place for the vain building muscle for the sake of it or the insecure trying to lose weight. But, like most things, you can never really get a true view of what something is like until you try it yourself and become a part of it.

When I first started going to the gym, although I had a relatively positive view of my body, I felt insecure. Being in a new place surrounded by regulars who look like they know what they are doing can be quite intimidating. Luckily I have a gym buddy, my best friend of 20 years, who has a fair amount more experience than me when it comes to exercising. I joke that she is my PT and while its not as intense as that I would still be lost without her coming up with routines for us to follow.

Our gym routine has evolved quite a bit since we started, learning what we can and can't do, how much time it takes, what areas to focus on etc.

More recently we have started a full cardio routine involving a total of 20 mins treadmill (walking over running to save our knees and shins), 20 mins cross trainer and 20 mins bike. During this routine we listen to our own music (something new for us) which I thoroughly enjoy.

It took me a while to realise that I genuinely enjoy going to the gym. It's routine. It's getting to spend time with my best friend. It makes me feel productive.

It really hit me when we cancelled our memberships for a couple of months over summer. My mental health took a huge fall, my anxiety built up until I had a mental breakdown. I realised I had lost the body confidence that I used to pride myself on. Even if not going to the gym wasn't the route cause of my anxiety taking a turn for the worse, I think I can say with confidence that it definitely accelerated it.

I'm back at the gym. We go twice a week and I do couple of exercises on my own everyday.

My anxiety is the worst it has ever been. There are a lot of days when I feel like nothing its real, like I am walking through a dream. Lately I have turned to exercise and nature to try and 'wake myself up'. The other day there was nothing I wanted more than to go and lie on some grass in the cold. So I dragged my housemates to a field, we watched the sun go down and laid on the grass in the cold.

At this time of my life exercise is imperative in managing my anxiety. It reminds me I am real. I am alive. I will get through this.

Kaitlyn.

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